Why healthy can feel... wrong

So therapy examines who you had to be back then, in order to get by in the environment you grew up in - and whether there are any old patterns that can be safely put down now. This part of the work can feel a bit like building a bridge - a bridge between the person the person you were and the person you are are becoming now.

The bridge is made of mini-experiments.  The things you need to do to get to where you want to be.

But there are obstacles!  Very good reasons why change feels very, very bad - insane, even!

Asking for things feels extremely dangerous.

Saying no to a parent’s request feels like you are about to face a public firing squad.

Saying no to somebody asking you to help them with something feels like murdering a helpless baby animal.

Taking half an hour to yourself away from the children feels like a TV crew is about to come knocking at your door to present you with the Worst Parent of the Year award on public livestream.

Asking for a day off from work during a busy time of year feels like full on diva behaviour, akin to issuing an edict that all bananas be banned from any building which you enter, or demanding that a someone manually sorts your M&Ms into matching colour-coded bowls. (Actual diva requests.)

Allowing that person to be right and carry on with their day enrages you so much it feels like you would rather die than give in.

Not constantly punishing your body feels indulgent, or even disgusting in some way.

Talking to yourself in a way that you would never, ever talk to a friend or a child feels… normal.*

(Not an exhaustive list.)

These are the stuck places.  They recur, cause pain, and are echoes from the moves you had to make as a child to fit in, protect yourself, and not cause your caregivers too much trouble.

Great progress is made in therapy when the following begins to happen.  A little, at first.  (It can take longer than you think.)

First, courage rises.  (Or, just - I’m so sick of this and need something to change.  It doesn’t matter which.)

You might see behavioural changes: old patterns beginning to loosen.  Saying or doing things differently:   asking someone for something; taking a risk; standing up for yourself; opening up and letting someone know what's really going on; being vulnerable; stating a preference clearly; apologising - or not always apologising; speaking up - or pausing and listening first.  Sharing a part of your life that you had previously kept hidden.  Explaining who hurt you.

Try it with your therapist, first: a practice run.  Next, try it with people who are not more powerful than you - people who won't retaliate. Safe people. You may find the person does actually listen, that the world doesn't stop turning, and even that you get a need met. (Therapists love this phrase.)

Finally, to check we are on the right track, there is a beautiful, subtle internal shift I listen out for.  It can be uncovered by the question: How do you feel about what you did?

It felt good.

I feel proud of myself.

It brought us closer together.

I learned something about her.

He was kind about it, and said he was sorry that had happened to me.

I still can’t believe I did that - yes, I think I would do it again.

The world didn’t fall apart.  In fact, I feel some joy… relief…

These are powerful emotional discoveries.  New learning, new possibilities.  More options for the future.

The composition of the water of the life you are swimming in begins to change.