Self care / why therapy is the opposite of selfish

There are generational differences in how therapy is viewed.  We are moving away from the older narrative that therapy is self-indulgent (although it can still feel this way on the inside).

We know the tropes:  Put on your oxygen mask before you help others with theirs.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Here’s mine:

It’s hard to be hospitable in a home with a hole in the roof.  The rain will get in and get your guests wet.  They won’t like it.

This house needs some work. (Peaceful location, though.)

Self care is building. Re-building.

It’s repair.  

It’s looking at your house after the storm has passed and checking the damage.  What’s missing now, what’s hurting, where do the roof tiles need to be put back in?  Where are the floorboards rotten and less solid?  Where do I need to build a stronger foundation?

Some old stuff can be cleaned up, put away, thrown away.  Adult life includes sorting through the stuff in the attic and deciding what to keep and what can now be got rid of.

Which hurts, which wounds are there?  What happened?  Which parental complexes still haunt the psyche?  Are there internal authorities that are unkind, punishing, that can be rooted out safely now?  (We often leave home at 18.  We often don’t actually separate/ individuate from our parents until much later.)

It requires you to engage with the damage, to confront what is unhealthy.  To really see it and assess the extent of it.  That’s not fun.  It can be really sad and heartbreaking.  It is work.  

But there is a payoff.  Doing this work will make you kinder, more understanding.  You will be braver, you will find some answers.  You will understand problems in your relationships better and feel closer to people you love.

People will enjoy coming round when the hole in your roof is repaired.  When your ‘stuff’ doesn’t leak out on to them (anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, control).  You will be nicer to be around and people will feel more comfortable with you. 

And after repair, when things are in better shape, self care turn to adding things in.  Looking at the rooms of your house (your whole life, your body) each in turn and thinking hmm, what else is needed here?  What’s missing?

Art, expansiveness, nature, awe, stimulation, spark, interest, creativity?

Physical movement, care, a change to daily routine?

More time with encouraging, positive friends, a different attitude to food?

Maybe you move things around, you rearrange your priorities and realign your life to focus on what is really important. (Perhaps it's been there the whole time, but your view is clearer.)

What's important now?

It takes time to think about this stuff, though, and some nerve to face up to.  You have to be somewhat ready.

So it’s not selfish to repair the hole in your roof.

In fact, the best and highest quality care you will give to others will be from a place of wholeness and healing. 

And you will feel better, which makes being there for others much more sustainable.

It’s easier to be generous when you have it in the first place.