The architecture of change

In therapy, progress is visible and invisible.  External and internal.  It takes time.  

It’s not easy to set up therapy, so often it takes pain to drive us there.  There is something hurting that we have already tried everything we can think of to fix.

So how do we start to feel better?

We begin by noticing and becoming aware of the water you have been swimming in all this time.  What is “just how life is” ends up having a large component of “stuff I am, in fact, bringing to this party”.  This is humbling, and annoying.  

The good news is, you have more agency than you perhaps realised.  There is hope - this process will move you towards the life you want.

The bad news is, there is work to do.

It starts with noticing.  We need help for this part of the work, we need someone to hold the mirror to the parts of yourself that you can’t see well.  The noticing happens through conversation, and after that, by yourself - internally.

It can help to understand (and appreciate) how the specific composition of the water you are swimming in came about.  That is why we ask about what was going on in your childhood.  It’s the first ‘soil’ you grew in.  Children always need to adapt to their environments.  They are good at this, it’s like a superpower.  It’s a time when some of those early patterns get set.

Then, there is a differentiation task.

We distinguish between what is a habitual behaviour that you learned was useful and adaptive back then, and we check for fit in your life now.  Are there some things that are now causing pain, like an old pair of shoes that don’t fit any more?  We check really carefully - do you actually have to be that way in your life, now?  Or, in these circumstances, is it time to risk a change?  

Maybe you want more for your life now.  Let your desires be your guide.

It may not feel possible, yet.  Changes need to be made in a context of safe enough, healthy enough relationships.  Try things out with your therapist first.

We sort through, differentiate.  You end up with two piles:  things you do that, importantly, were once upon a  time very useful and adaptive.  We respect those things.  The second pile is made of the (new, scarier) things you need to do to get what you want from your life now.  

In my next post I talk about what psychological change actually looks like in day to day life.